Tales of My Epic Fails: HOME EDITION!

My parents informed me Sunday, and probably before that, that they would be away Monday-Wednesday of this week, meaning I left with the burden of keeping the affairs of the House of Glenn's in order.

So last night was my first night alone, here's a few of the things I fucked up:

• I tried to turn off the air conditioning downstairs when I was going to bed and ended up turning on the heat by accident.
• I left my keys in the front door for a good 2-3 hours.
• This morning I woke up and found a little puddle in the kitchen

I'd like to elaborate on the subject of this puddle. I woke up, got all dress, and walked down into my kitchen to let the dog out and make coffee. As I stepped into the kitchen (with the lights off) I stepped into a puddle liquid that could only be dog pee or splashed water from the dog/cat bowl (The cat attacks the water bowl and spills it EVERYWHERE. Idk why he does, he just does!)

I initially assumed the dog peed, and proceeded to vilify him as I removed what I thought was a pee soaked sock (WET SOCKS SUCK!). I then grabbed some paper towels, got down on my hands and knees, and began cleaning up. It was not until I was closer to the puddle that I realized it was only water. I was still pissed off about my sock, but at least my foot wasn't covered in pee. At this very moment, I kid you not, the cat saunters into the kitchen. He, being the only other suspect, was next to feel the full force of my rage. I called him: "stupid", "no good", and "lazy."

Once I was over my rage and the liquid was cleaned up, I went to the refrigerator to grab milk for my coffee. It was then that I realized that the freezer door was left slightly ajar the night before by the only person in the house with opposable thumbs. I inspected the frozen food and found that nothing had really thawed aside from some of the permafrost around the perimeter of the door. I cleaned the remaining water that had dripped down the door and I closed the freezer firmly.Now came the big decision, do I tell Cat and Jackie that I am sorry, or do I let them wallow in the shame of a crime neither committed. I first decided to go with the latter, and I went about the rest of my morning routine without uttering another word. Then right before I stepped out the door, Jackie walked up to me visibly upset about the entire situation.

"Jackie. Cat (who was lazily lounging on a chair). I am sorry, the puddle was my fault. I hope you can forgive me." I pet Jackie for a few moments, gave the Cat an air-high-5, then walked out the door.

I think the moral here is to close the freezer door firmly, and to remember that here in America, a suspect is innocent until proven guilty.

-Motherfucking Aesop and shit yo!