JimmyGlenn!!!: I'm gonna be like Mike and DUNK on your ass... but in Football

So over the weekend Mike and I played flag football with my older cousin and his friends. I have to stress older, because that was the key word that I focused on when I agreed to play. You see, my cousin and his friends are a lot bigger than I am, but I figured their age might be a handicap. Taking that into consideration, I initially had visions of Mike and I tearing up the field as these thirty-something "old men" fumbled around in our wake. I thought that Mike and I would be like Bo Jackson and.... Jack Boson. But... nay nay nay, that is not at all what happened, because my cousin and his friends play for FUCKING KEEPS!

Usually, my sub-par knowledge of sports terminology is supplemented by my athleticism, but this was not the case on Sunday, for a variety of reasons.

First of all my cousin Greg and his friends are all big and athletic, so I was not running circles around a bunch of old men like I initially envisioned. I was getting trampled. (Why am I on the offensive line matching up against the big monster in the Notre Dame shirt?!?)

Second, everyone was speaking in alien tongues. I don't know what a hot route is, idk who or where the gipper is, and to me running a post route means run straight because post's are fucking straight. There were times in the huddle where I felt like I was in a foreign country, and hand gestures were my only friend. I may have to invest in Rosetta Stone: Football.

The final nail in the coffin that was my football career was their complex gridiron stratagem! Generally when I have played football before I run, try to get open, and the ball is either thrown to me or it is not. I am not accustomed to thinking very much about where I should be going, how many steps I should be taking to get there, or whether or not i complete my "route." MY general "strategy" consists of three simple steps (four simple words): get open, catch, N-zone. Done. Easy right? Apparently, my over simplified tactics don't produce results when everyone else knows what the hell is going on.

Despite my shortcomings, I had a lot of fun. I scored a touchdown, got a few sacks and played good "D." If not for the police officer that broke up our game, I am fairly certain we would have made a comeback thanks to Mike's expert quarterbackery. But alas, the field was apparently placed on the endangered species list for some time and we were unaware.

Line of the day - "Yo is that guy wearing shoulder pads?" (No, he wasn't, he was just a friggin monster)