Anxiety on the High Seas: The Life and Times of Toby the Timid Pirate

Yesterday Rich linked me to an article in Paste Magazine that discussed the leaked copy of the Wolverine Movie. The article began by describing the act as a "brazen act of piracy." This struck me as funny because if you are pirating, aren't you kinda inherently brazen by trade? Can piracy be anything other than brazen? This thought process produced...

Toby the Timid PirateHere are some facts about Toby:

• Toby only steals free samples.
• Toby whispers "argh."
  
• Toby has scurvy, not because his ship was without oranges, but because he didn't want to be a bother.
• Toby lost his hand and replaced it with a spork.
• Toby's station in the crow's nest frequently gives him vertigo, but refuses to ask for another job on the ship.
• Toby likes dolphins.
• Toby sometimes wishes he were a blacksmith or a clerk.
• Toby, a strict roman catholic, often is force to eat meat on Fridays.
• Toby never boards a ship without permission.
• Toby often gets sea sick.
• Toby wishes there were less violent ways to resolve conflicts than sword fighting.
• Toby can read and write, but has yet to tell any of his illiterate shipmates.
• Some nights Toby crys himself to sleep.

-me mother was a tree....